The day I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so excited! Daddy and I had been trying to bring your sister a sibling for years! It seemed too good to be true and I guess it was..
I don't understand why you couldn't stay. I had such vivid dreams of you. I was eight weeks pregnant. You were in mommy's tummy and I was losing you. I was begging the Drs to do something but they kept telling me you would be just fine as long as your heart was still beating. Then you fell out of me and I screamed at the Drs but they just kept repeating that you would be fine as long as your heart was still beating. When I held you up to show the Drs, you had suddenly grown to be a newborn and were beautiful with your lush, dark hair and long eyelashes. I stared down at you in disbelief. But I knew it was too late and you were gone from me.
Then later I dreamt that I was eight weeks pregnant with you and saw a bulge in my tummy. I poked it with my finger and to my dismay, you began wriggling. I knew it was way too soon to be able to see you move and the movements got bigger and bigger until you pressed your whole profile against my stomach so hard that I could see it.
Then you pushed right through and were suddenly on the outside of me. I looked down as I held you in my arms and you went from baby to little boy. You were still just so beautiful! You looked like a little Adam only with darker hair and eyes.
I guess I should have known it wouldn't last because there was always something wrong with my pregnancy in my dreams. But never you; you were perfect.
Then your Aunt Liz told me about this cute little boy she dreamt about. He was standing in dinosaur pajamas and giggling.. when I asked her what he looked like, that was the same little boy I had been dreaming about. She described you to a tee.
The day I went in for my follow-up appointment, I knew when I looked up at the screen that I had lost you. You were still so tiny and had no heartbeat.
Your big sister looked up at the screen in confusion, asking where her baby was..
The tech then confirmed what I already knew. You did not survive in my body.
It was like someone stuck a knife deep inside my chest when I heard those words. I lay on the exam table blinking back tears, trying to be strong for your sister, while all my hopes and dreams faded away.
I felt hollow inside as I put my clothes back on and walked out the door to wait for the Dr to talk to me.
Everything he said seemed meaningless as I sat there crying and trying to wrap my mind around never getting to have you.
When I got through, they had me schedule a follow-up appointment to monitor the situation.
I had trouble driving home with your sister in the back seat. I wore sunglasses even though it was raining outside, so no-one would see me cry.
When I got home, I resolved not to tell your daddy what had happened at the appointment until after work. But he was home for lunch and standing in the driveway. He looked right at me as I pulled in and I tried so hard to fake a smile. I got out and as he was getting your sister out of her car seat, he looked at me again and I knew he could tell. Then I burst into tears and cried in his arms. Your daddy was crying too.
I didn't eat lunch that day even though I was still having morning sickness.
That day, most of this two days has been a blurr. A daze.
I spent most of it laying in bed and crying myself to sleep. Then waking up and crying some more.
All this time I had felt what I thought was you moving but it turned out to be my uterus contracting, trying to expel..
I am heart broken that I will never meet you in this world, that you will never grow up playing with your sister, I will never get to experience those precious milestones and the funny things you'd say.
I guess I will just have to settle for finally meeting you in the other side someday soon. At least you will never have to experience the pain and darkness of this broken world.
I love you and will always have a you-shaped hole in my heart, son.
Until we meet, love you always!
Mommy-
